Hot Takes

Dak Prescott Hires Hypnotist to Erase 44-19 Loss from Cowboys' Collective Memory

“You’re feeling drowsy,” he murmured as players stared blankly, “and you absolutely do not remember getting trampled by the Saints.”

Jerry Jones Already Practicing Lombardi Trophy Acceptance, Forcing McCarthy to Role-Play Goodell

In these rehearsals, Jones forces Mike McCarthy to act as Roger Goodell, where he’s forced to hand a pretend Lombardi Trophy to Jones.

Mike McCarthy Terrified After Discovering Season Opener Will Be Televised

“I obviously knew we had a game, but completely forgot how many people will be watching,” McCarthy admitted, eyes wide with terror.

Jerry Jones Petitions NFL to Play Deshaun Watson-Led Browns Every Week, Offers Roger Goodell "Gifts”

“Look, we’re all about winning, and we’ve found a strategy that works for us," said Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy, grinning.

Dak Prescott Admits: "I Mostly Play Football for the Paycheck, Wouldn’t Mind a New Career"

“I mean, football’s fun, the guys are nice,” he added, “but exploring a new career would be interesting. Maybe something tech-related. idk."

Jerry Jones and Dak Engage in Epic Passive-Aggressive Standoff Through Media Over Contract Negotiations

"If the organization values me enough to invest in me, great. If not, I’ll just keep throwing touchdowns… for somebody,” Prescott added.

Jerry Jones Admits He Missed Drafting an RB Due to Binge Watching ‘The Bear’, Signs Dalvin Cook to Hide Blunder

“Who knew the kitchen could be so gripping?” Jones lamented. “I thought I had plenty of time!”