DALLAS—In a move that’s shocking to precisely no one who’s been paying attention to the NFL, the Dallas Cowboys have just become the first professional sports team to be valued at over $10 billion. “It’s amazing,” said team owner Jerry Jones, “now we can afford even more ways to disappoint our fans in the playoffs!”
The staggering valuation reportedly has nothing to do with actually winning football games and everything to do with selling a staggering amount of merchandise to fans clinging to memories of the 90s. "We’re the best at being valuable,” said Jones. "Now if only that counted for Super Bowl rings!"
The Cowboys plan to use their newfound financial prowess to buy a diamond-encrusted trophy case—for all the trophies they don’t have. Fans can now rest easy knowing their team is worth $10 billion, even if they still haven’t seen an NFC Championship game in nearly 30 years.
“We’re thrilled to reach this milestone,” said owner Jerry Jones, grinning like he just discovered a new oil well. “Now if only it was enough money to buy a time machine to take us back to 1996 when we actually mattered!”
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