DALLAS—Every year, as the Cowboys’ season kicks off, team owner Jerry Jones is wracked with anxiety, fearing that fans will finally uncover his deepest, darkest secret: he has no clue what’s happening on the football field.
Sources close to Jones reveal that the billionaire owner becomes visibly agitated each summer, obsessively reading the rulebook like it’s a cryptic novel. "He’ll ask the coaches what a ‘first down’ is and then, halfway through a game, worry if 'halftime' means the game is over," said one insider.
In a desperate bid to prevent public humiliation, Jones has reportedly enlisted Cowboys legend and NFL broadcaster Troy Aikman for covert tutoring sessions.
Sources reveal that Jones, who still confuses “touchdown” with “two-point conversion,” has been meeting with Aikman in a secluded warehouse. “He’s obsessed with getting the basics right—like understanding that a ‘quarterback sneak’ isn’t underpaying your star QB,” said an insider.
Desperate to keep his charade intact, Jones is said to rehearse vague terms like “game plan” and “momentum” while nervously avoiding questions about “interceptions” and “timeouts.” Fans remain none the wiser, admiring his “strategic insight” and “passion for the game.”
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