DALLAS—In an unexpected twist, Dallas Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy has revealed a profound sense of dread about the upcoming season opener against the Cleveland Browns. The cause of his anxiety? The startling realization that the game will be televised.
“I obviously knew we had a game, but completely forgot how many people will be watching,” McCarthy admitted, eyes wide with terror. “Realizing everyone will see every bad play call, every awkward sideline exchange … all broadcast in high definition.”
Sources say McCarthy is now obsessively reviewing old game footage, practicing his “intense but calm” facial expressions on the sidelines, and might start wearing a Tom Landry style hat, “to look cooler” he mused, “maybe even sunglasses like a celebrity trying to avoid the paparazzi.”
One healthy side effect of McCarthy’s concerns over his appearance on television is that it’s motivated him to clean up his diet in an effort to lose a few pounds because he’s heard the camera adds ten pounds.
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